Hermione and the Deadly Spork
by Truth Blocker
Summary: This is the alternate version of the classic tale of Harry Potter. Rated T for some implied mature content.
1. The Beginning

Harry Potter and The Spork

There comes a new antagonist in the charming Harry Potter tale. It is known as….THE SPORK!! an exciting combination of a spoon and a fork…thus…SPORK! The spork is evil beyond evil….tricky beyond tricky! And above all…the spork is cunning. The spork lives in Hermione's belly. Hermione thinks that the GINORMOUS lump around her belly button is either a baby named Harhermryon a combination of Harry, Hermione, and a little bit of Ron or a Ha-UGGGE build up of jubber (jiggly blubber). Anyway…Harry is off with Snape getting drunk and running over mailboxes with their broomsticks that have humongo jets on them. Meanwhile, depressed Moaning Myrtle is in the girls stall constantly giving herself a wet willy (a term for placing your head inside the toilet and flushing repeatedly). Hermione is off sniffing pot with her McGonagall mate. Ron, still recovering from his life-threatening hangover, is sitting in the girl's dormitory with Malfoy on top of him. As to what happened to Dumbledore? WHO KNOWS? The last time we saw him was his dorky loser hocus-pocus hat falling out of the window of the tallest tower of Hogwarts. Speaking of Hogwarts, Hogwarts was named after Cho Chang (if you catch my drift…HOG….WARTS….Hogwarts.). When Harry and Snape return riding cannibal llamas, they "accidentally" flick off Ms. Umbridge, they are forced to poop themselves constantly. Unfortunately, Harry and Snape already have a gaping hole in the bottom of their pants that was made during their wild ride on their jet broomsticks.

Girls get immediately petrified when they walk into their dormitory and see the disturbing image of Ron and Malfoy (need I go on?). So we have all the girls frozen at the entrance of their dormitory looking like Harry does when he sees Cho (remember? HOGwarts?). So when a girl comes into their dorm, they have to navigate all the frozen bodies, only to have their body frozen seconds later and adding to the sculpture collection. Mr. Filch comes by the girls dormitory with his new handy dandy VACUUM (with a very large storage tank, I might add…) as he fills his vacuum with clothes, body parts, you know, FLAMMABLE PLASTIC and stuff, he approaches the Malfoy-and-Ron scene, AND JOINS IN! Isn't that nice?

Then Voldemort comes in with his beautiful happy, flower-making wand. He walks into the girls dorm, and puts some flowers onto the horrific scene. Then he pulled out his baby blue pocket knife with a chainsaw attachment and ripped the sofa that the threesome were…..doing something on….in 2. Then he put his left hand in the windowsill and shut the window. Then the fluorescent light bulb fell on his head, leaving him unconscious. So, let's review, shall we? Ron, Malfoy, and Mr. Filch are making sick-o noises on their half of the sofa, while Voldemort is unconscious with his hand jammed in the window, and a VERY, VERY hot fluorescent light bulb right near his sensitive area….so. Let's continue! Meanwhile, the evil, scheming spork was beginning to….hatch…out of Hermione…if that's REALLY her name! But, as you know, it is a spork, which is SHARP, so Hermione will feel her "baby" "kicking". As hammered Harry and Snape lie on the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall, they reconsider their foolish acts for the day. Then they go put some dynamite by the Slytherin dormitory. On their way to Moaning Myrtle's bathroom they flick off some Hufflepuffs who go crying to Mr. Filch, but get petrified on the way. So Harry and Snape, being drunk finally pass through the door to Myrtle's bathroom (after a couple of tries) and go to a stall to puke. Myrtle, surprised, emerges from her stall with dripping hair to find Harry and some guy with a mini skirt on with a smelly, brown substance on their shirts. "What the bleepin bleppity bleep bleepers are you doing in my bleeping bleepity bathroom?!?!" So then Harry and Snape started making out. Myrtle was furious! She kicked Snape in the mouth and pulled him into her wet willy stall to "take care of him". While Snape was recovering from whiplash, Myrtle ran over to Harry and violently made out with him, leaving Harry knocked out.

Let's go back to Hermione's tale. Hermione and McGonagall had SO much pot in their system, they couldn't walk. So they called the tow-truck agency. So the tow-truck driver came and said, "sorry girls. We have a weight limit of 5000 pounds. We just can't drag you." So Hermione and McGonagall became hobos along the train track for the Hogwarts Express. But way too quickly, McGonagall's leg got run over by Mr. Filch, (who ditched the threesome in Hogwarts) who had train rage at the moment. So McGonagall was dead, leaving Hermione to be the lone hobo. Until Mr. Malfoy joined her. But his head got run over. So he was out of the picture. Hermione had learned to stay AWAY from the railroad when a train comes after all the drama she had been through.


	2. The Careless but Fatal Accident

Harry Potter and the Spork

Chapter Two: The Careless, but Fatal Accident

When we left off on our lovely story, Hermione was a lone hobo by the train track for the Hogwarts Express. Now I must give updated information about everyone else. Let's start with Myrtle, Snape and Harry. So Snape is recovering from the eternal dizziness given to him by Myrtle, who is dangerously making out with Harry. Apparently, Myrtle doesn't get out much. Anyway, Harry is sitting in a girls stall helplessly being pushed around by obsessed Myrtle, who has obviously been waiting for a long time to do this. After about 15 minutes, Myrtle takes a break from Harry and walks over to the stall Snape is recovering in, just to give him some more wrath. Half-conscious, Harry manages to drag himself out of the torture-filled bathroom, leaving Snape to the unknown.  
To Malfoy's relief, that was the last we ever heard from Snape. According to Malfoy, Harry was all his. That is of course, after we get rid of Mr. Filch. But that was the easy part. We all know that Filch (otherwise known as "filth") is extremely emotionaly attached, and will do anything for his stupid cat. So you take the cat away, and Filch is at your knees begging! It was the perfect plan! At least, so Malfoy thought.  
So Malfoy began "Operation Do Harry" by kiddnapping Filch's cat while he was sleeping in the corridor (bad habit) and then hanging the cat in a pillow case out a window 500 feet above the ground. Then he cast a noise-making spell down the corridor Filch was in. As Filch was rudely awakened, he saw to his horror that his cat was gone! "WHO THE BLEEPITY BLEEPING BLEEPERS BLEEP BLEEPING STOLE MY BLEEPING CAT?!?!", Filch yelled. Malfoy released a little wimpy girly snicker and tiptoed up to the window where Filch's cat was. Filch, knowing Malfoy, went to Malfoy's dormitory first thing. "WHERE IS MY BLEEPITY BLEEPING CAT?!?", Filch roared. Then, Malfoy pointed to the window. Filch stared at the scene, horrified beyond measure at his cat approaching death so quickly. Immediatly, Filch hobbled towards the window as quickly as possible. But what he didn't know, is that Malfoy loosened all of the bricks underneath the window sill with his pocket-chain saw, so when Filch got his cat, the window collapsed, sending Filch and his cat to an unpleasant death. But when the window broke, it started a GIN-ORMO crack in Malfoy's floor! "My floor! I just waxed it today!", exclaimed Malfoy.  
Sadly, everything in Malfoy's dorm fell into the lake near Hogwarts to lie there forever until a heroine would come upon it, bringing it to sunlight.  
The person who took Malfoy and Filch's deaths the worst was Harry, of course. He just sat in his dorm complaing. "Now I have nobody to DO!!", he thought. "who's going to sleep with me and my and teddy when I have a bad dream?!" Harry was discouraged.

Find out more in Chapter 3! 


	3. Soulmates

Harry Potter and the Spork

Chapter 3: Soulmates

We paused the excitement when Harry was discouraged after Snape's, Malfoy's, and Filch's death. Hermione, feeling the same way about her true love, McGonagall, who perished so fatally. Hermione was also feeling some stomach cramps, due to the spork inside of her. The only luck Hermione recieved was not going to the girls dormitory (she stayed in the teacher's lounge...). Harry and Dobby were destined for each other. Dobby, a simple emo house elf beats himself up after he accomplishes something. Harry, on the other hand, does every boy he sees (he doesn't do girls, because that would be wrong.). Hermione, was destined for Myrtle. Myrtle was some depressed, goth, wanna-be and Hermione was as smart as a rock with all of her Hogwarts studies. WHAT A PERFECT MATCH!  
When Harry and Dobby took a romantic hippogriff ride over the forbidden forest, Harry, with a lack of anger management, shoved Dobby off the hippogriff for a terrific free fall of 2 seconds. Dobby hit a bunch of trees, but finally made his way to the ground, lacking some flesh. Dobby sat up and was immediatly going to abuse himself with some sharp pinecones, but looked around and saw his true soulmate, Hagrid. They ran towards each other happily united. They had a few prescious moments together. Tht is, until they heard hoofs stamping on the ground. "It's a centaur stampede!", bellowed Hagrid. So Dobby and Hagrid ran for their life, hand in hand, off to Hagrid's cabin, where they locked the door.  
Harry ignorantly returned the hippogriff to Hogwarts and casually walked into the restricted part of the library and started a fire. The librarian's performed the "stop, drop, and roll" theory backwards, leaving them sitting on the ground, waiting to ignite, while Harry jumped out the window, and landed on Cho, who forgot to put on her wart treatment. "Oh! Harry! You're not suppossed to see me like thi--I mean, I have hair growth problems-- I mean, I gotta go. BYE!", Cho mentioned as she ran off to her dorm. Harry sat there puking his guts out, while all that was left of the library was one librarian's eyeball.

Find out more on Chapter 4 


	4. Denied Love

Harry Potter and the Spork 

Chapter 4: Denied Love

When we left off, These were the couples: Hermione and Myrtle, Harry and Dobby, Dobby and Hagrid, and Ron and his pillow. Everyone else was either too ugly, or was dead. Let's start with Hermione and Myrtle. Being a ghost obviously posed a problem for Myrtle; whenever she tried to jump Hermione, her soul mate, she would fly right through her.  
This prevented the destined couple from having "relations". But who cares? Anyway, Harry and Dobby got separated, physically and mentally, after Dobby had he drop of his life off of Buckbeak the hippogriff, which resulted in the happy union of him and Hagrid. After Hagrid ran off holding hands with bikini sporting Dobby, a revolution had begun.  
Dobby insisted they should have immediate relations more serious than just holding hands! I mean, holding hands is BABY! Let's get MOVIN'! And that is why Hagrid left Dobby for Fang, his ignorant and talentless dog.

Ron started looking at his pillows differently, and that's when we knew that something was wrong. But nobody cared about his many inanimate-object relations. Meanwhile,  
the Spork that was festering in Hermione's overweight stomach was increasing its size, to Hermione AND her stomach's dismay. She concluded that the Spork incident was caused by the consumption of a spoon and a fork, and when they had a baby, it was a Spork. After being forced to end her deep relationship with Myrtle, Hermione's eyes began wandering over to the flower-power Voldemort. Voldemort began noticing, and liking. Myrtle found the pair snogging in HER bathroom stall, and decided to call upon the dark and evil forces that resided in the known magical world. "Komon yaaa, Heti shaaa, Feri yaki, Barty SHAKI!" Myrtle recited. Then everything went black.


	5. The End of the Beginning

Harry Potter and the Spork 

Chapter 5: The End of the Beginning

Moaning Myrtle summoned all of the dark forces known to the vast magical land that wizards and other creatures occupied happily. Everything went black. It started off with a low, discreet, humming sound. Then it transformed into whispering. Then, as light slowly returned, all serenity was lost. The skies were screeching and the winds were howling. Tall, thin, dark shadows became visible at the edge of the hills, directly under the mystifying sunset. The mysterious creatures had arrived at the scene. Hermione and the flower-happy Voldemort froze as the magnificent pair of doors creaked open, and cleared the entrance to Hogwarts for all of the dark and terrifying creatures. Myrtle collapsed to the tile bathroom floor, weary from the powerful summoning that had taken place just moments earlier. Hermione and Voldemort quickly exchanged short glances, and bolted out the old wooden door that provided the exit from the lonely girls bathroom.They sprinted past long corridors filled with screaming Hogwarts students and deserted classrooms. But then they stopped dead in their tracks. Just feet ahead of them was a mortifying army that consisted of trolls, and evil centaurs, and worst of all, dark wizards that were all possessing some sort of deadly weapon from axes to flails. There was a long, deadly silence. No one dared to make a sound. Suddenly, all in one moment, everyone began to yell and scream their battle cry at the top of their lungs as Hermione started inching their way into a sheltered classroom. Hermione looked at Voldemort expecting him to have followed her, but he was rooted to that spot. He was not flinching, or even blinking. A rush of horror flowed through Hermione. Could he possibly be remembering his dark and evil ways, Hermione thought. Certainly not. Not after everything we did to make him forget... Voldemort turned his head toward Hermione. Hermione noticed little streaks of red forming in his eye. _No...no...NOOO...,_ Hermione thought in her head. _It is true. He remembers. Now what will happen to me? To Hogwarts? To the whole wizarding society?!?,_ Hermione thought. She looked up at Voldemort again to see his small pupils narrowing and becoming completely red. Panic took over, and Hermione cowered momentarily, but then regained her senses and leaped into the silent classroom, slamming the heavy wooden door behind herself. She knew that a simple wooden door would definitely not prevent any wizard, much less Lord Voldemort himself, from entering a place. Hermione used her little time wisely and bolted over to the small window on the other side of the classroom. The apparently weak door blasted off its hinges, narrowly missing her, and revealed Lord Voldemort and his reunited dark forces behind him. Hermione shrieked and hurriedly shoved the window open and squeezed through, head first. It was not a long distance to the ground, and Hermione would rather jump out of a window than be blown to pieces by a dark wizard who called himself Voldemort. Hermione yelped as she landed on her arm, experienced brief, but strong pain, and then jumped to her feet and ran to cover. Hermione plopped down and the fresh green grass, briefly observed a large lump on her stomach, and started crying. "H-He was my f-first b-boyfriend!!"


	6. The Aftermath

**Harry Potter and the Spork**

**Chapter 6: The Aftermath**

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Hermione lay on the moist grass of the Hogwarts green field sobbing, waiting for someone to comfort her...anyone to comfort her. Her wish was soon granted. Hermione saw a shadow on the other side of the Hogwarts wall. It grew, and grew, and grew until she saw the owner of the shadow, Harry Potter. Hermione noticed by his voice and by his balanced and steady walk that Harry was sober, for a change.

"Oh...hi, Harry..." Hermione said shakily. Hermione was not sure if Harry was going to comfort her, or just bother her

"Hello, Hermione," Harry answered. He was a little confused as to the reason Hermione was sitting in the grass of the Hogwarts field doing nothing. Then he noticed the tears on her face.

"Hey, why are you crying..?"

"Well...it's a long story..." Hermione started. "Well, Voldemort and I were totally dating, and we were in love, and then we went into Myrtle bathroom stall and made out, and Myrtle got mad, because she likes me and because we were in _her_ stall, and then she summoned the dark forces and collapsed, and so Voldemort and I ran away from the bathroom, but we accidentally ran into the dark forces, and that was when Voldemort remembered his old dark ways we tried so hard to make him forget, and then I ran into that empty classroom, and he and his new dark army followed me, and then I jumped out the window, and then Voldemort screamed.."

Hermione took a deep breath. Then she got on her shaking knees and hugged Harry, very self-consciously. And he surprisingly hugged her back. And then they looked at each other, and kissed violently. Hermione stopped kissing Harry, with a guilty feeling, when she heard him yelp in pain.

"Oh...um..sorry, Harry..." Hermione mumbled awkwardly.

"Umm," Harry said, in an attempt to change the subject, "What happened to Lord Voldemort..?" Harry said the first thing that came to his mind.

This confused Hermione. "What happened to him?" Hermione questioned. "What do you mean, 'what happened to him'?"

"Where did he go? I'm sure you jumping out of a window like a maniac--no offense--would not stop _the_ Lord Voldemort himself from finding and attacking a little school girl--no offense, Hermione--!" Harry reasoned.

There was a brief, soundless pause. As soon as the two some realized what had just happened, Harry and Hermione screamed with all their might.

"AHHHHH!!!!!!" screamed Harry and Hermione.

Then the new couple ran as fast and as far as they possibly could away from Hogwarts, from Voldemort, down to Hogsmeade, to hopefully find shelter from the new evil, flower _hating_, Lord Voldemort.

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**Hey, guys. Review and tell me how you liked this chapter. Also, review if you want to see a new chapter, or if you want this to be the last chapter. Or just give me a review! But whatever you do, PLEASE REVIEW!!!**

**- Truth Blocker**


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